A blog post

What Mad Men Tells Us About Why Millennials Feel Special

Posted on the 02 October, 2009 at 7:54 pm Written by in Blog

“I have a confession to make…  I am special. It’s not my fault that I’m special, I’m just living up to the expectations that have been placed on me by the people who designed my generation.”- – Dan Murphy, Millennial, The Student Affairs Blog

sally draperOne of the pleasures of watching Mad Men is reflecting on how much things have changed, mostly for the better.  Pregnant women no longer smoke and garter belts are a thing of the past.  One of the more jarring and unsettling reminders of how much things have changed is in the depiction of parenting styles.  

 It’s hard not to feel sorry for Sally, Don and Betty Drapers’ young daughter.  Sally is incidental to her parent’s lives;  even with a full-time, stay-home mom she is emotionally starving.  She is locked in a closet for trying one of her parent’s ubiquitous cigarettes. Don yells at her for being too noisy and Betty frequently tells her to go someplace and ‘play’.  When Grandpa Gene (the only adult in her life who shows her any meaningful interest) dies there is no grief counseling or even any sense that Sally might need some help processing what happened.  If the show goes on another 5 years, I forsee Sally’s transformation into a rebellious flower child who smokes marijuana, marches in anti-war protest rallies and runs away from home, to her parents complete befuddlement and dismay.  This is the scenario Philip Roth wrote about so poignantly in his Pulitzer Prize winning book, “American Pastoral”.

As someone who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, I relate to Sally. I had the exact same Barbie doll, the same play clothes and I can almost smell the secondhand smoke.  My parents’ lives were separate from mine, mysterious and adult.  I didn’t run away from home, but neither did I have any intention of returning once I graduated from college and as I recall I even spent a few summers working in other cities.  

My mother recently confided she wished she could ‘do it all over’, meaning she wished she could go back and do some of the things my sister and I do with our children. While there is no doubt that we lead more child-centric lives than my parents did, I assured her I don’t feel deprived. It was a different time.  We didn’t know anyone else who had parents who spent time playing dolls, cooking or making things with them. Parents were not a resource for homework help. We didn’t have any expectation of educational vacations, dinners out or nights spent at home bonding.  Kids were kids, parents got dressed up and went out. Someday we would be grown ups and have grown up lives like them.

Prevailing parenting styles for Millennials today are significantly different from those depicted on Mad Men or even ‘That 70’s Show’. Boomer and Gen X parents actively and consciously put their children first.  They are anxious about their children’s physical and emotional health and their self-esteem.  Boomer and Gen X parents have become famous for hovering, helicoptering, coaching, tutoring, chaffeuring and stage managing their children’s lives. The result is what is perhaps the first generation that feels no need to rebel against their parents. Why should they? Their parents are their biggest pals, advocates and cheerleaders.  

While most parents I talk to show no regrets about their parenting and the closeness they have with their Millennial kids, they have a new anxiety to worry about.  They wonder if perhaps they should have been a little tougher, a little less ‘unconditional’ with the praise?  They worry that they have made their children feel too special. Are they adequately prepared, as resilient and motivated as they will need to be?  Could it be that they over nurtured their children?

NurtureShock4A new book by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, titled Nuture Shock, hits this parental sore spot dead on.  The first chapter, “The Inverse Power of Praise”, cites research that claims it is a ‘fact’ that too much praise has unintended consequences.  

“Scholars from Reed College and Stanford reviewed over 150 praise studies. Their meta-analysis determined that praised students become risk-averse and lack perceived autonomy. The scholars found consistent correlations between a liberal use of praise and students’ “shorter task persistence, more eye-checking with the teacher, and inflected speech such that answers have the intonation of questions.” When they get to college, heavily-praised students commonly drop out of classes rather than suffer a mediocre grade, and they have a hard time picking a major they’re afraid to commit to something because they’re afraid of not succeeding.”

Millennials are a unique generation. Many of the characteristics we associate with Gen Y are directly attributable to prevailing parenting styles.  The pendulum may have swung too far and we may be seeing signs of a return to tougher type of love.  But, I doubt we will see a return to the ‘authoritarian’ style of the 60’s any time soon. Millennials are likely to take the best of what they saw modeled by their own parents and add their own unique spin.

  • http://www.bigdealpr.com/ Carri Bugbee

    Carol, this is so interesting. When I see Betty Draper on Mad Men treat Sally with complete lack of concern or obvious annoyance for behaving like a child, I always laugh with recognition. I think my dad’s favorite phrase was “you kids go play in the freeway.” He was only halfway joking.

    While I grew up about 10 years later than Sally, kids were still intended to “be seen and not heard.” This was true of nearly all my friends as well. In fact, I can only think of one or two exceptions (those kids’ parents were always chaperones).

    We’ve often joked about this as adults (yes, I’m still friends with people I went to grade school with): how weird it is that our parents didn’t attend our choir performances, plays or basketball games much of the time. Help with homework? My parents didn’t look at report cards or know what classes I was taking. Once in awhile they might ask “How’s school?” and I’d respond with “Fine. I’m getting A’s.” Perhaps most telling, participating in extra-curricular activities was perceived as a pain in the ass by parents. That meant they’d have to drive you to and from events – at least until you were old enough to drive yourself or hitch a ride with a friend. You had to REALLY want it to persuade them this would be a worthwhile use of their time. And then your pitch had better be good.

    Yet, there was no stigma attached to this as kids. That’s just the way it was. I even remember wondering if my dad would attend my high school graduation (he did). Of course, back then nobody celebrated “graduation” from kindergarten, grammar school or jr. high. You simply looked forward to the adventure of high school while dreading the anticipated hazing (which was mostly unchecked) at the same time.

    That said, having a much younger sister and many younger cousins, I saw how that changed even in the few years after I left home – as you stated – hoping never to move back.

    Your post brings up a lot of thought-provoking insights for working with millenials. I think of myself as a real softie, but I don’t have much patience for employees or contractors who need a lot of hand-holding. Perhaps I’ll need to cultivate that to work with the Gen-Y set. Thus far, I’ve worked mostly with “oldsters” like myself. :-)

    @CarriBugbee

  • http://www.bigdealpr.com Carri Bugbee

    Carol, this is so interesting. When I see Betty Draper on Mad Men treat Sally with complete lack of concern or obvious annoyance for behaving like a child, I always laugh with recognition. I think my dad’s favorite phrase was “you kids go play in the freeway.” He was only halfway joking.

    While I grew up about 10 years later than Sally, kids were still intended to “be seen and not heard.” This was true of nearly all my friends as well. In fact, I can only think of one or two exceptions (those kids’ parents were always chaperones).

    We’ve often joked about this as adults (yes, I’m still friends with people I went to grade school with): how weird it is that our parents didn’t attend our choir performances, plays or basketball games much of the time. Help with homework? My parents didn’t look at report cards or know what classes I was taking. Once in awhile they might ask “How’s school?” and I’d respond with “Fine. I’m getting A’s.” Perhaps most telling, participating in extra-curricular activities was perceived as a pain in the ass by parents. That meant they’d have to drive you to and from events – at least until you were old enough to drive yourself or hitch a ride with a friend. You had to REALLY want it to persuade them this would be a worthwhile use of their time. And then your pitch had better be good.

    Yet, there was no stigma attached to this as kids. That’s just the way it was. I even remember wondering if my dad would attend my high school graduation (he did). Of course, back then nobody celebrated “graduation” from kindergarten, grammar school or jr. high. You simply looked forward to the adventure of high school while dreading the anticipated hazing (which was mostly unchecked) at the same time.

    That said, having a much younger sister and many younger cousins, I saw how that changed even in the few years after I left home – as you stated – hoping never to move back.

    Your post brings up a lot of thought-provoking insights for working with millenials. I think of myself as a real softie, but I don’t have much patience for employees or contractors who need a lot of hand-holding. Perhaps I’ll need to cultivate that to work with the Gen-Y set. Thus far, I’ve worked mostly with “oldsters” like myself. :-)

    @CarriBugbee

  • Ron
  • Ron
  • http://jilliancyork.com/ Jillian C. York

    I find this really helpful for understanding why I, an actual millennial (1982) don’t understand a lot of the hullabaloo made about my generation. I’m somewhere in the middle – my parents attended most of my concerts, but weren’t involved like a lot of my friends’ parents. They weren’t in the PTA, they both had jobs, and I was one of the only latchkey kids I knew. I grew up knowing I’d have to pay for at least part of college, and when I did go, my parents didn’t “helicopter” or expect perfection. They didn’t really want to advise me in picking a major, because they felt it should be up to me.

    I am thankful to be the exception to a generation that I deem pretty obnoxious.

  • http://jilliancyork.com Jillian C. York

    I find this really helpful for understanding why I, an actual millennial (1982) don’t understand a lot of the hullabaloo made about my generation. I’m somewhere in the middle – my parents attended most of my concerts, but weren’t involved like a lot of my friends’ parents. They weren’t in the PTA, they both had jobs, and I was one of the only latchkey kids I knew. I grew up knowing I’d have to pay for at least part of college, and when I did go, my parents didn’t “helicopter” or expect perfection. They didn’t really want to advise me in picking a major, because they felt it should be up to me.

    I am thankful to be the exception to a generation that I deem pretty obnoxious.

  • Frank

    I am EXACTLY in the same age cohort as Sally, so her story, and her experience of life around her, is of great interest to me. Her biggest challenge, though, is not Don and Betty's parenting style. Don is a really messed up, damaged human being. Betty is struggling to deal with it – but is starting to get a blue. Her deep shock at seeing his stash of documents in last night's episode was a turning point (and really well acted, by the way).
    My parents were somewhere between and distant and smothering. They did a fine job raising 5 kids as best they could. Where they screwed up, it was because of their own individual issues, not because of their parental style.

  • Frank

    I am EXACTLY in the same age cohort as Sally, so her story, and her experience of life around her, is of great interest to me. Her biggest challenge, though, is not Don and Betty's parenting style. Don is a really messed up, damaged human being. Betty is struggling to deal with it – but is starting to get a blue. Her deep shock at seeing his stash of documents in last night's episode was a turning point (and really well acted, by the way).
    My parents were somewhere between and distant and smothering. They did a fine job raising 5 kids as best they could. Where they screwed up, it was because of their own individual issues, not because of their parental style.